Was bringt eine E-Mail die man nicht los sendet?
Was bringt es, etwas aufzuschreiben um es nie zu zeigen?
Was wenn man handeln muss aber nicht darf?
Ich erwarte keine Antworten - nur evtl. von mir selbst.
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being alone gave me not only a hard time here. It is kind of good as well since I have the possibility to think about myself, patterns and behaviour. I don't do it that often, though.
Sometimes I feel pretty confident and everything is nice, but most of the times I am kind of depressed. I don't want to handle the loneliness anymore, don't want to spend every night with my computer, don't want not to feel anything. Neither want to experience the evenings alone after work nor the weekends.
Having no friends here, helps me stay a bit focused as well. What I found out so far, is that I keep on distracting myself - over and over again with just stuff to fill the void. That's actually why I'm working that much. It's just easy to cover everything with work, even though it's not worth it.
But I still don't know, how this all could happen. Why did it lead into this and what exactly is it? There could be many reasons - basically all I can think of are related to someone who left me or my Mom (and me as well in that case).
So - to get a bit of the track, commitment phobia is just really unlikely to happen here for several reasons. Leaving someone is really seldom. Breaking up after a couple of years is even more uncommon. And not that many people take the files in their head to bed. Beside this: People with mental diseases are considered to be crazy.
Regarding these circumstances, I can imagine that it was even harder for you to face the case.
I surely got hurt. Not just once or twice. But this is nothing uncommon (at least not in Ger). What I really wondering about it, that I can't handle it that well. More over, what I do and what I really wish is so extremely contradictory which makes it even harder for me to discover any truth.
I really do have a clear goal in mind, what I like to do, how I would like to do it. But I don't know why I block myself from reaching it.
There is always a certain point in a serious development state, that I simply can't pass anymore. It just works well with persons who are physically or psychologically unavailable for me. I fool myself there - quite skilful. Am I really that keen on not being happy at all? No, I can't imagine - there must be something else that drives me. Otherwise life itself wouldn't make sense at all. Maybe it's not a certain something, maybe it's just a collection of several experiences.
Anyway .. I'm writing this because I think you deserve to understand some thoughts of mine.
I'm writing this, because I feel guilty that I still don't have an explanation.
More over, I'm writing this because I'm really fucked up here. No one to talk to, no supportive friends anymore (even not in Germany - sure I got what I ordered) and I have never experienced this before.
Finally I'm writing this since I'm lonely.
And this is why you may not answer and may not get involved. I know that is unfair of me
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Und deswegen habe ich abgebrochen und denke das war gut so.
Es schmerzt aber morgen wird es sicher besser sein - wenn auch nur temporär.